Thinking I Could Possibly Be Like You Without You

I recognize my adeptness of being firstly to believe

That You are disappointed in me;

While still conversely believing that You see

Every frame within me with a vast eye of 

Mercy and grace and...joy.

There is a tenderness in Your gaze 

And a fire that burns to see me grow and bloom.

The truth of me and the truth of You

Are always present in Your sight

No matter the thickness of the veil over mine.

So I put down the need to perform

And turn away from the lie of perfection;

Truly, thinking that I could possibly be 

Like You, without You.

Because I love You

And want to give You all of me.

I love You and want to give You all of me.

Before and Forever

 But before all that.

Before I was ever a disappointment, a burden,
A tie to a soured dream..
I was loved.

I was formed in silence
Within the awe of a selah from heaven.
A banner of love was placed over me;
Visions, dreams and purpose were buried deep within my heart,
Ready to be discovered with the companionship of the
Creator of the universe.

I was wanted before I was born,
I was valued before I proved anything.
I was made to be consumed in love
And to love wholeheartedly in return.

No introduction to this world;
To the lies, to the sorrows, to the
Cold-heartedness of men,
Can ever take away the Truth,
This reality of Light and Breath.
That I am this one -
Formed at the beginning of time,
Sealed to this love for all eternity through Jesus Christ.
Amen.

1.5.21

Moon

If hope is the moon,
Then I am its beholder,
Reveling in the pale light
That gives proof of its origin.

Daylight exists even when it's dark,
And I am caught with my face
Lifted up, to drink in the promise.

The promise I will stand in the sun again,
That I will see Justice and know Truth and feel
The full weight of the Kingdom built on Love.

From one glory to another I will ride,
With each dawn that awakens, until the moon
Is finally eclipsed by the full light of day
And I see You, my Love, face-to-face.

6.19.24

Freedom

God is the freest Being in the universe;
It cannot be given or taken from Him.
Yet He gave me the power of my will
To decide what I will extend to Him
And what I will hold close to my chest.

I will give Him freedom
To show up how He wants and when He wants,
To act in the discipline of Trust
When it feels like absence or is a testing I don't understand. 

Freedom to act and give as He chooses
Knowing I am loved faithfully and He is good consistently.
Freedom to experience an undeniable wave of love one day
And the next day, bland as it feels,
Know I am just as seen.

To accept Him as He is,
To trust in His goodness and faithfulness.
To know He is perfect and makes no mistakes.

Giving Him freedom gives me the
Ability to see more of Him.
Perhaps, giving Him freedom is more about
Me giving myself freedom...
Freedom to see Him a little more clearly,
Space to fall more in love with Him, fearlessly.

 

12.16.23

An Ode to Harriet

And off into the darkness we go.
In the stillness of the night,
The light of the moon before us.
We cut through the waters as
Smooth as perfect timing.

Leaving all the stories and all the loves behind,
Trusting that their time will come, too.
From the noisy cities that drown out Silence
And the dusty roads that steals Vision one grain at a time;
The ones irritated by their scratchy wool garments
And the thousandth trail made by lice in their hair.

A third, a fourth, a seventeenth time of reckoning
Will beckon,
An open pursuit for those who dare to dream,
Who dare to take it.
Their time will come, too.

For now, we go alone.
Hailing to the other silent canoes
That slice their way through the holy waters
Strangers and comrades alike,
Heading towards their freedom.
Heading towards their home.


11.13.24

For Us

My heart knew what it needed..
Or, at least it thought it did.

It was told what was needed
And did fine to dwell on those answers
Given by the trusted around me
The voice of the Accuser
And the mind that had "figured it out."

You were there, too, slowly breaking in
Like soft rays of sunshine filtering through
The mess of bombardments and half-truths,
With the soft song of love that only
Intimacy can sing
And the knowing only a Creator can bring.

It would be a long journey back home..
But You were always in it.
You were always in it for me.
You were always in it for us.


10.11.23

Hope

Hope, which once was defined by promises diluted by fantasy, becomes a new term to me, because the old way doesn’t cut it anymore.


 

Being a Christian, “a little Christ,” becomes more offensive when the glories that are available through Jesus comes hand-in-hand with the suffering of picking up my cross. But to be identified with anything less than that only leads to true suffering and death. 
Any core identity in me that takes charge over my identity in Christ is simply a greater separation from the Father. The One who gives life and meaning to every title. Who gives purpose to every position on this earth.
 Without finding my identity in Him first, all other identities will fail me and never fulfill me. He is the key ingredient that runs through all of life. The baking soda to chocolate chip cookies that will cause them to fall at the end if forgotten.

 

Hope is the Way of Jesus Christ.

He was confident the Father would give Him what He was promised, even in the midst of ridicule, abandonment, temptations and crucifixion. That his life wasn’t in vain, nor all that he suffered. That, by all earthly matters - dead is done - but his trust was in the Father raising him, as He said He would.


 

Jesus’ hope was in the Father. 

His greatest reward was to be with Him at His right hand. His final hope was in nothing this world could provide, or the promises awaiting him. It was intimacy with the Father and knowing Him - His goodness, His faithfulness, His beauty, His eternity. Knowing and believing these things. 

 

His hope was in the Father - held up by a firm belief that God would be always who He said He is, for He cannot lie or fail. 

Held up by his intimate knowing that He is the greatest pleasure of all.

 

 

5.2.23

Corroded Walls

I often find myself slowly picking through a room in my heart.  The room is rotten, dirty, smelly and the walls are corroded and there is broken glass all over the floor.  Some of the brokenness is caused by me and some have been vandalized by an uncaring enemy.

Jesus told me the other night to be patient with Him.  When I'm in these room, I find that impatience with myself and impatience coming from other people makes me direct a full blown attack of impatience onto Jesus.

Jesus told me to be patient with Him.  He gets me.  He knows me.  And all He wants is for me to look into His eyes and have faith that He knows the exact and perfect timing for everything...for all the things in my life that I'm waiting and striving for.  He wants me to tell Him that I believe He orchestrates everything in my life at a specific time and introduces everything to me in the best way...tailor made for me.

I do.

Weirdly Gone

This past Thursday night, I arrived home, expecting to plug my phone charger into my phone and chat with a friend.  Instead, I found a ransacked home with a broken window and a decent amount of cash, my laptop, some vintage jewelry and my roommate's professional camera & equipment gone.  Disappeared.

I called my roommate and she came home from school, hysterically saying we needed to call the police.  They came, we joked, they fingerprinted, we lamented over the fact that this was the 6th home burglary in a two block radius in the past week.

The only word that continued to accurately describe my emotions over the following 36 hours was "weird".  It's weird accepting the fact that two men that I've never seen or met have been in my room and have sorted through my things in my nightstand - a place that only two or three people in the entire world have seen.  It's weird thinking that my laptop, the thing that has the past three years of my music, papers, pictures - a compilation of my life - is gone.  Not to be retrieved but only replaced by an empty, yet welcoming, OS in a computer body that is indefinitely out of my reach.  It's weird finding out how I react to a terrible situation -- slowly, mostly without hysterics, numbly, randomly spurting out confused tears.

Let's be real.  All of the doors that I thought once very warm and inviting now seem to be closed against my persistent knocks.  Who I thought I was going to be and what I thought I was going to do is completely different than who I am right now in this moment.  And something like this, a robbery of the physical and of innocence, is the thing making me stop and realize the truth.

If you want to hide your money well, put it in a designated wastebasket and cover it with a thin layer of not disgusting trash.  Be sure to never empty this specific wastebasket and the robber will never waste his time looking there.

Don't live out of fear.  Live out of Love.  Preaching to the choir, live from Hope.  It's the safest place to be.






*I am praying for an empty, yet welcoming, Lion OS.

Things Every Customer Should Know

Working at a coffeehouse, I often find myself dealing with people - both in taking their lunch/coffee order and at the cash register. A few months of this and I realize that EVERYBODY should be forced to work customer service at some point in their life so they can, in turn, learn how to be good customers in the future. 

For those of you who need it, I have made a list of what NOT TO DO when you are a customer.
*(These are situational to a restaurant but should still be applicable in most situations.)

1.  Do not complain about the price of your order when the large menu with all of the prices are directly in front of you, especially when what you have ordered has been prepared and is sitting there, waiting for you to pay.

2.  Do not complain about the price of your order to the cashier - they are powerless to do anything about it.

3.  Do not hold up the line, especially when the line is out the door, because you can't make up your mind.  Yes, you live in America and there is an abundance of delicious choices all around you, but I promise that your life will not depend on whether you get the blueberry scone or the chocolate scone.

4.  Do not comment on how full the tip jar is to the cashier unless you plan on adding money to it directly following the comment.  There are very few other things that you can say to make the cashier feel less awkward.

5.  Do not ask for "regular" bread, 1% milk, or complain that there is no meat on a BLT.

6.  Do not make the employee have to say, "Ma'am" with increasing volume 5 times in a row to get your attention.  If with friends, keep the conversation light and be conscious and aware of the person trying to get you what you want.

7.  My personal favorite:  Do not treat the employee like a robot.  When asked how you are doing, actually think before you give an automated response and NEVER should you ignore the question and just start ordering. 

We are people, too.

I am not bitter, nor taking my anger out on my blog, as it may come across that way.  Just making a comical list with a serious edge to it.  Take it or leave it, this is my experience.

Together

I was playing an impromptu Devotional set in the Hope City Prayer Room the other day.  I was an hour and fifty minutes into a set that was only supposed to be an hour and thirty minutes and was desperately trying to finish strong.  One thing I have caught onto - when you don't know what to sing, sing about Jesus. Ha.

One thing led to another and I soon started singing out of Song of Solomon 2:8 - "Listen! My Lover! Look! Here He comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills."  I've often just focused on this..the part where it says how Jesus has defeated all of my mountains and hills and is running towards me to set me free and give me life. 

But because of the season that I am right now, I need a little bit more than that.  I don't want Him to come and just stay with me where I am at.  It's beautiful for awhile, but I know in my spirit that there has to be something more.

I think that Jesus came bounding over the mountains to show more than just His strength and capabilities, but to hold out His hand and wait for me to accept His invitation -  an invitation to  take His hand and let Him lead me back over my hills, to help me conquer my mountains of pride, selfishness, immaturity, fear, and weakness. I'm finding that this Christian walk is not Jesus flying in, swooping low, snatching me from the Enemy and soaring away with me into eternal bliss. This is a journey that we take together that involves much walking, a few leaps, and a lot of tortuously crawling over the rough terrain of my humanity.

But that is what makes everything beautiful, isn't it?  Knowing that the King of Glory is willing to drag Himself through the mud - not only to help me fight for my freedom from my bondage - but to just be with me. A Love like this is so rare..and beautiful.  Complete freedom in Him is the joy set before me, being with Him in the journey is the joy with me right now.

I wrote a little song about it..

You saw me there in my brokeness
You saw me there in my weakness
You saw me there in my darkness
And You said, "This one is Mine"

You saw me there in my chaos
You saw me there in my confusion
You saw me there in my immaturities
And You said, "This one is Mine"

And I saw You come running towards me
With eyes of joy unspeakable
I saw You come running towards me
With a heart of love unquenchable

Now we're leaping over my mountains
And we're running over my hills
Now we're breaking down my walls
Conquering this life, together

We're in this together
What an adventure


And here is my first audio clip recording on the internet. Hehe..


Sigh. I never want to leave Him.

Reality or Tomfoolery?

The difference between sleeping in 51 degrees and 65 degrees is incredible.

But that is not what this post is about.

I was in the Prayer Room the other day and a few passages in Song of Solomon stuck out to me.

"All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves: I looked for him but did not find him.  I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares; I will search for the one my heart loves.  So I looked for him but did not find him.  The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city.  "Have you seen the one my heart loves?"  Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my  heart loves."  S.S 3:1-4

Later, in chapter 5, it talks about the woman knowing that her beloved is at the door, getting up to let him in and then finding he had left.  Her "heart sank at his departure" and she "looked for him but did not find him."  She "called for him but he did not answer."  Then the watchmen found her and instead of letting her pass by in continued search, they beat her, bruised her and took away her cloak (was this really necessary..?).  She asks her friends for help and, instead of saying "hey, count me in!" they demanded to know why she wanted him so bad and what made him better than any other.

Instead of sitting back and beginning to doubt her own sanity, she wastes the next 7 verses on him, describing to her friends the very nature, personal traits and high qualities.  She ends with "this is my lover, this is my friend."   These words turn her friends and they beg to help find him with her.

My point of all of this?


In chapter 3, the woman had to get up, out of the comfort of her bed, to go search for her lover. The second time, she not only has to get out of bed again, but she gets beaten up by the people she thought she could trust and lean on for help and guidance.  The only way she can go on is by remembering and believing in the one that she had experienced and known.  *Ultimately, she chose to respond as if everything that he had told her before -- that she was his beloved, his prized jewel, his inheritance -- was reality.  Because if it was, she knew that he would come for her.

And he did.  Right after she utters "I am my lover's and my lover is mine," she finds herself in his presence and him asking for her not to look at him - for a love so raw and so powerful overtakes him every time he looks into her eyes. 


I write all of this because over and over again I find myself asking what comforts I must leave behind for the sake of finding a deeper Love (and trust me, there is always something, ha).  Over and over again I find myself in the middle of everything, wondering where this Man is that I am laying my life down for and wondering if I should be in a crazy house.  Over and over again I find that I have to cling to something that He once whispered into my ear or wrote in a Love Letter that is centuries old - asking myself if what He says is reality or tomfoolery.  It can't be both.

But the thing that keeps me going is that, over and over again, I find Him.  Each time, there is more to lose initially, but more to gain in the end.  And I want more.  More love.  Isn't that what everybody wants, anyways?


*Sentence was inspired by my dear friend, Evie.

Relationship At Its Finest

Ok.  I believe in the Trinity - that God exists in three persons: Father, Son and Spirit.  Each distinct person is fully and eternally God, yet there is only one God.  The mystery of the Trinity is that three divine persons dwell together forever in deep relationship as one God.

"Wow, you sound really intelligent and spiritual, Megan!" you may say after reading the above.  No, ha.  I am actually not too learned on this subject and it just blows my mind continually.  The above is from class notes by Mike Bickle (who also says he has much to learn, as well).

Anyways, Mike was teaching on this subject this morning at church.  One of the things he stressed was how "each one [in the Trinity] enjoys an eternal, voluntary, mutual relationship of love, humility and unity.  They have a deeply satisfying and fulfilling relationship in the fellowship of the Godhead."

I don't think that God created man because He was lonely.  He had Himself and was fully complete in love and relationship.  That is why man is so drawn to each other and that we must commune and dwell with each other -- because we were created by a God who abides in complete relationship.  (Bear with me..I myself am stuttering to type words that make sense to even me, ha).

I do think that God created man because He had so much love to give.  As human beings, when we are in love, we want to shout it to the world and tell everybody who doesn't care.  Love makes you want to pour out love to other people.  So, He created us.

Mike Bickle said, "Love does not speak of need, it speaks of desire."

God didn't need us to love Him for Him to be complete, He didn't need us to entertain Him so He wouldn't feel lonely anymore.  He desired to give and share in this love that IS Him.  God IS love.

Yes!! (This is a whole different blog, but this revelation takes off allll of the pressure of feeling we have to come before Him perfectly or feeling like we have to entertain Him or die.  That is not what He is in it for!  He's in it for love!)

Soon after Mike uttered that phrase, a parallel of God's love and of man's relational love popped into my head.

Just as God didn't create me out of need, I cannot marry out of lack, need, or loneliness. Yes, it is possible to love someone because they can somewhat satisfy any of the above, but it is not the purest kind of love.  The purest and most selfless kind of love is one born out of desire to share the love that is already inside of me without expecting a personal need to be fulfilled. To have enough love that not only sustains my own heart but that also spurs me on to pour and share it deeply with another human deeply can only come with intimacy with the One that never runs out of love.  The One who IS love.

To love another rightly and out of a pure heart, I must find my first and biggest source of love from God.  He is the only one that can truly fulfill the needs that my heart cries out with.  After He takes care of the need, desire is all that is left and that is the best way to love Him, people around me...and my future husband ;)

Whew.

No Dignity These Days..

My car has been handling itself with very little dignity the past few months.  Several times when I insert the key into the ignition and turn, the motor turns as well, but doesn't catch.  Exasperated, I stop trying to start it and stare at the red security light flashing on my dashboard.  This continues to flash for a solid 10 minutes while I sit in the car.  Depending on which location I will be ten minutes late to, I find myself fighting back either frustration, tears, anger, or annoyance.  Sometimes I do feel relief for having a valid excuse to relax for a bit in the midst of a tight schedule.  Most of the time, I'm reworking in my head the day's schedule and finding out more and more how much I plan so close to the minute.  Probably not the best habit..

This morning, I was getting into my car and asking the Lord to start it for me...I didn't want to be late to work.  It started, I breathed a thank You and began to back-up as a thought came to me.  It may sound slightly silly, but I thought, "My car is so unfaithful to me.  I never know if it is going to start or not and I can't trust it."  As I thought about it for a bit more, I realized that this may be one way that God looks at my faithfulness to Him.  If I'm not steady and faithful all the time, how is He supposed to know when I'm "going to work" or not.  How is He supposed to know that I will respond to a movement or a whisper from Him when  I've only responded sometimes in the past?  I have to be ready to go all the time so when He does decide it's time to go, I'm waiting and prepared. 

Self-Sufficient

Up until about a year ago, I used to always get an uneasy feeling whenever I thought about spending time with the Lord.  I knew that I loved Him and I had often felt His love in quiet times with Him.  So why was I always hesitating?  Last August, I finally addressed it in my journal. 

It was simply because I approached Him with fear.  Not the good kind that the Bible says to have.  It was the kind that whispered into my ear, "You're going to put this time aside for God, He's not going to show up and it's going to prove that everything you believe is false."  It was the lie that said, "You're not good enough and however you choose to fill the time is going to be the wrong thing.  God is not going to find it fulfilling and reject you by leaving you empty."  I listened to this lie so long that it became instinctual and this unknown monster attacked me every time I thought about spending time with Jesus.

When I got the revelation that I had been thinking like this, I asked the Lord to forgive me for believing the lie and to help me fight it...it was a losing battle on my end.  Because I called, He answered (and came to my rescue... :p).  He began to show me things.  He helped realize that  1. His grace is sufficient and 2.  His love is way bigger than what I thought.

You see, God is completely self-sufficient.  He doesn't need our love to make Him feel complete or to make Him happy.  We don't need to perform activities in a certain way or have the perfect agenda when we hang out with Him.  He is too full of love and too knowledgeable of our hearts and minds to expect perfection.  

 
It's beautiful...to rest in the knowledge that I just come before Him, lay it down and know that He is going to come in all-consuming grace and love.  He replaced the lie that I am not good enough and the doubt that crippled me with the Truth of His love for me.

"A broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." -Psalm 51:17  (He loooves it when I just come to Him!!)
"He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." -Zeph. 3:17

Love Scarred Hands

I don't want to dance with You just because of the flowing, gorgeous gown,
I don't want to dance with You just because of the rubies decorating my head.
I don't want to dance with You just because of the delicate shoes on my feet,
I don't want to dance with You just because of the beauty of the court surrounding me.
I don't want to dance with You just because I can learn a dance nobody else knows.
I don't want to dance with You just because I can say, "I'm dancing with the King."

I want to dance with You, even in a sack for a dress,
I want to dance with You, even with nothing on my head but my tangled mane.
I want to dance with You, even when it's simply dirt coating my soles,
I want to dance with You, even in the empty field with no one around.
I want to dance with You, even if it is the simplest dance a child can dance.
I want to dance with You, even if You were only known as "my Beloved."

For how can I refuse those hands forever scarred with Love?  Carrying the proof my iniquity..and the proof of Your unashamed Love.

How can I refuse those eyes that stare straight into my heart, stripping away all of my carefully built walls?  Those eyes see the mess, the sin, the brokenness, the simply humanity...and still beckons me into a Love that I've never known or experienced before.  Pure, undefiled, unchallenged, unbiased, true.

No matter the circumstances, I will not refuse You. All of the riches that You've promised me...I want none of them unless I have You.

Silly Strivings

I am weak. 

Everything today is competition.  You must get the better grade, the better job, the better pay-raise, the better spouse, the better house, the better scholarship, the better dog, the better body. As long as you volunteer more often and support a green, pink or rainbow cause, as long as you beat somebody else and get the A instead of the A-, you've achieved.

I don't know this for a fact, but I wouldn't be surprised if this was one of the biggest motivators behind the biggest success stories from middle-class America.  To just get ahead of one more person.

I do know for a fact that this is one of the biggest lies in Christianity.  As long as your going to church about the same amount of times as the average church-goer, as long as your cut and dried ten-minutes-a-day devotions is longer than your best friends five-minutes-a-day devotional (I mean, come on, we need to fit Jesus somewhere in our overly busy lives). As long as your prophetic insights are mostly right on - that must mean your hearing the Spirit well - and as long as people are being ministered to in powerful way - that means that you've spent so much time with the Lord, His presence cannot help but pour out of you. As long as your prayer is longer than the spiritual leader beside you.

Right?

Even with all of this climbing going on and on, it never seems to go upwards. 

What if, while we think we are doing good by being 3 steps ahead spiritually than our neighbor, we should be 50 steps ahead in God's eyes.  It's sickly humorous to think that we have made other humans marking points of our achievements.  It's as if we think that on Judgment Day, God is going to line us all up in a row according to our spiritual achievements, pull the first billion and send the rest to hell.  I thought that we were going to stand before God on Judgment Day.  Alone.

I wonder what would happen to the church if she pushed everybody and everything out of her line of vision and just sat there, indian-style, with Jesus and her heart, dangling in the middle for both to see.  I wonder what would happen if she asked Him what holiness and truth looked liked in comparison to her heart.  I wonder what He would tell her, I wonder what He would ask of her.  I wonder if it would change everything.

I bet it would.

I bet the face of Christianity would be completely transformed.  There would be less pride, less strife, less striving, less religion.  The confidence in the flesh and it's achievement would be completely shattered.  The knowledge of Him, His power, His suffering, His righteousness and His holiness would increase.  Putting away the grimace of exertion, Christianity would be a well-spring of Joy because it would know that absolutely nothing we achieve in our flesh makes us any holier.
 

We would know grace.  We would believe in grace.  The meaning of His mercy towards us would be so  much more powerful.  We would actually know what true humility is because we would understand that we are nothing that is lasting without Him, constantly renewing our hearts and minds.

And, in the end, everything would funnel down to Love.  That is the greatest commandment, no?

To love.

Where would the church be - where would the individual, unique heart be - if every "success" it achieved came from a place of Love?  Not out of striving or competition, just Love. Not based out of Modern Day's Handbook of Achieving Spirituality, but out of the intimate and quiet places with the Lord.  What if we were like children and did things for the Lord because it simply delighted our hearts to do so?



"Be still and know that I am God." -Psalm 46:10
"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ....that I may gain Christ and be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law but that which is through faith in Christ-the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings, becoming like Him in His death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead." - Philippians 3:7-11

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Confessions

This year I will be 21 years old. But that is another 8 months away.

I was flipping through my journals that I kept in high school today. To avoid sounding cliche, I will not say how crazy it is to look back and see how much I have grown up. I thought I was such a different person than who I really was. 

It's confession time.

I started playing on worship teams the summer before my freshman year.  For a solid four and a half years, I was a scheduled piano player/singer/leader for one church or another with not too many "off" Sundays.  Sometimes I would play on a worship team in the morning at one church and then go help another at a different church. I helped out occasionally with leading worship for Raiders for Christ (student-lead Bible study at school) my sophomore year, and by the beginning of my junior year and then through my senior year, I gradually took over all of the worship leading and a lot of the organization of the Bible study.  I led worship nights for the school, as well as for my youth group. I was highly active in my youth group, went on two mission trips a year, attended church regularly and, besides a short "rebellious" stage, didn't listen to too much secular music.

I don't know how people saw me back then -- if I were known as a spiritual leader or, hopefully, just a regular girl who loved Jesus a little bit too much.  But for those who thought I "had it," I'm sure they would take it back if they knew that I wrote this [and several similar entries] in my journal on Christmas Day of 2008:

"I've been doing a lot of thinking. About life. The cause? Twilight, The Matrix, [insert boys name;)], college, piano, random church services. Family. How pathetic I am. How dirty, snobby and disgusting I am...I feel as if I'm trying to cheat God. I don't know if I'll be able to come before Him and feel a deep peace. I pretend to be loyal by throwing up prayers every now and again. Don't get me wrong, I love Him. I believe in Him and I want to give my life in service. But it's as if there is a distance that is unfathomable between us. I try to bridge it with prayer and Jesus, but it still remains.


I know it's me. I know it's my selfish waste of time and focusing on temporary "important" scandals and things....I am so young with life, all of life, before me. Exciting, yes, but also gray-filled. Empty. I do know that if I seek Christ and follow Him, He will bring and give me life. Life abundantly. Yet I seem too far away to grasp on to that. I live in between the fields of hope and despair. I can't seem to pull myself into the field of hope. I always fail. I know His grace is enough, His mercies are new every morning, His love endureth forever. I know i could drown in His love, for it is so deep.


But I can't grasp it. It's too far from my heart, I think. I don't know what to do to get it back.  I feel like a hypocrite. A big, fat, judging, failing hypocrite."

I was only 18 and was burnt-out and ready to quit. Ha. Tired of doing the same old thing, over and over again. Tired of being the spiritual one, tired of leading worship, tired of running after something that was always just out of my reach. Sick to my stomach of the emotional roller-coaster that I liked to call "My Personal Relationship with Jesus." I was a public leader but, on the inside, I carefully hid a confused, lonely heart.

Thankfully, I kept on trudging along, hoping that something would happen. I knew that God was real, that He was powerful. I had experienced Him in powerful ways before, both in worship and in other times. But my problem was not knowing how to sustain our relationship in between those times. I was always grasping for that same emotion I had felt previously and, when I didn't feel it, believed I was doing something wrong or God was upset with me. 

It wasn't until the summer of 2009 when the Lord gave me a "break-through" revelation. After a youth group worship time on a missions trip in Costa Rica, God "confirmed in my heart that I don't have to be feeling an emotion to know He is working, that He's present and that we are loving each other. It just needs to be a sincere heart."

Believe me, I'm not saying from that point on, my relationship with the Lord was all musical notes and butterflies. In fact, the Lord didn't really start hitting me with the deep stuff until about six months after that. But it was the beginning of something big, something true, something real. This revelation freed me to go in to quiet time with Him and hold on to a bright hope that something was happening, even when I was slightly bored and trying not to fall asleep.

And as I steadily set my heart on searching Him out, He began to get inside of my heart. He began to slowly soften my heart, expose lies and wounds I had hidden in my heart and started to work out and erase the big-worded, flowery, confusing and mysterious ideas that I had heard by whole life about Him. Yes, I knew A LOT about Him. But I didn't know Him. I didn't understand His heart towards me or His character.

Of course, once the Lord starts speaking to you in the quiet places of steady devotion, you can't help but want more. You see, once you start to come honestly before the Lord, He answers. Jesus exposed His heart on the cross and, simply, asks for you to do the same thing. Honesty.

I think about what my high school life would have been like if I didn't try living from emotional-high to emotional-high. It could have been powerful. But it's ok. As my friend says, it's good to grow.

initiating the Scratch

Tonight and tomorrow, my sister and brother-in-law will be gone from the house.  They do this occasionally for birthdays, anniversaries or Christmas presents to each other.  I guess they say are able to come up with better words while they play scrabble without me interrupting them... 

Either way, when they do this, i am left at home almost all alone.  why almost?  because there is a sweet little shihtzu that stays here as well. and because i am the best aunt ever, i let him sleep with me on these lonely nights.  Tonight being no exception, he was laying on the end of the bed while i was flung out across the other end, sleepily listening to the amazingly Spirit and love-filled song that was recorded by the Corey [r]Asbury Team. I had my arm stretched completely out like a stick with my hand laying limp and my head laying on this arm.  I felt harley [the dog] shifting around like he normally does.  He must have found my hand and recognized it for it's worth to him - his personal scratcher - because, all of a sudden, his head forcefully pushed into my hand, clearly letting me know that he wanted his head to feel the delightful touch of my fingers. me, of course, being a loving aunt, got a tickle out of this and complied.

What would happen if we approached God like that? i'm mostly tempted to wait on the Lord to move His arm around and beckon me closer for a metaphorical head scratch. i think that, obviously, if He wanted to give me something, He would initiate it. and if He wasn't initiating anything, then everything that i desire is not of or from Him. 

but see here is the thing.. it is built into harley's dna to beg for scratches. only mentally insane or horribly abused dogs run away from being scratched and petted. what if there are certain things built into my dna? like those dreams and longings that God placed in my heart way before this earth was created?  why would it be wrong of me to ask God for something that is built into my heart, even when He is not specifically initiating it? i think that He actually might like me coming to Him and asking for the desires He placed in my heart, yes?

And when i do come to Him first, it means that i recognize Him for who He is -- my Everything who supplies...everything. It speaks of a close relationship with the Father.  Harley doesn't push his head against my armpit to get scratched because he knows it is my awesome fingers that do that.   

Now, obviously, if harley all of a sudden sat up and asked me to braid his hair, i would clearly be freaked out and would probably throw him across the room.  Why?  1. that's kinda freaky 2. he was made to be a dog, not a human girl. That's why it's so important to know what is going on inside of your heart, to ask God what dreams and desires He's put there, so you don't ask for things that are off the charts. He will let you know.

And what if i had been too tired to scratch the dog?  the Lord has perfect timing. if it's not time, He won't scratch. if He's moving forward and you aren't, He will beckon. And the best thing is that, either way, whether He is scratching, beckoning or seeming to lay limp, His thoughts of love are still the same.  All the time.  Even when we poop on the carpet. yes.

p.s.
here is a link to that sweet awesome song i was listening to. enjoy!: http://mytrumpet.posterous.com/this-is-an-mp3-of-cory-asburys-live-performan-0

p.p.s
please excuse my not-so-excellent way of writing this post...i'm super tired. hopefully my points get across, either way.

Birthing Elephants

Imagine for me just a second [or a few minutes].  Even if you realize this is nothing how your morning goes, keep on imagining as if you are in the thick of it.  It's OK, it's good for your brain to do this.

You just woke up.  You pull yourself out of bed, fumble around for your towel and head toward to the bathroom, hoping you won't run into any walls that had somehow gotten bigger while you were sleeping.  Turning the shower water on, you use the toilet and wait for the water to warm up.  When you see just the edges of the mirror starting to fog up, you get into the shower.  As you slowly go through the shampooing of your hair and washing your body with your raggedy luffa, the events of yesterday, the day before and the day ahead begin to trickle into the grooves of your brain.  The insane dream of the dragon eating your sofa with your dog as a condiment that you had been trying to make sense of just moments earlier gets tossed to the side as reality sets in.  The situation that you don't really want to deal with, the friend that made you want to rip a light fixture out of the ceiling because of a ridiculous disagreement, and the thing you stupidly agreed to do because you felt pressured all begin to make your stomach feel like an elephant had decided to have it's babies in it.  After ten minutes, you get out of the shower, grab your towel and wrap it around your decidedly clean body.

Freeze.  Keep on imagining with me but take a still shot of yourself right now.  There you are. Naked underneath your towel, your skin red from the steam and uneven from your goosebumps that are starting to form.  You hair hangs wet around you [boys, work with me] and you have large black circles underneath your eyes from the make-up you didn't wash off the night before.  It's just you with that heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach, feeling decently ugly under your own standards.

Most people don't ever freeze there.  They just keep going..get dried off, dressed, put on some make-up, struggle to come up with something cute and creative to do with their hair, grab some coffee on the way out the door and plow through the day, hoping that things will smooth themselves out somehow. Hoping that one of the baby elephants will die during the birthing process and lessen the load a bit.

But what happens when you do freeze.  When you don't go.  When the trendy clothes, the cute hairstyle, the delicious coffee, the best and understanding friend, the familiar church, the perfect hangout with the coolest people you know, the group that you get along with and that is moving in the same direction you are and the comfort of chocolate are gone.  What happens when all the normal [and usually good] comforts of life are gone.  What happens when all that you use to escape are no longer to to escape into?  When you realize that your best efforts to control are not working?

Over the past several months, I've been occasionally waking up like this.  A mess.  I've also been finding this to be a problem at night, as well, but I won't force you to imagine anything else in this post.  It seems there is a tie between the tender moments of when you are just waking up and the quiet moments in your bed that follow the preparation of having another weird dream in which that person whom you hadn't seen or thought of in years is holding your hairbrush hostage again.

I think the connection between the two times is that it is when you are most vulnerable.  It's just you, your thoughts and the unsettling feeling that you are not safe.  You are not safe from the difficult situations of life.  You are not safe from everyday troubles and their is nothing you can do to close yourself off from them.  You are not safe and no matter how many people you have in agreement around you or how much stuff you surround yourself with, you cannot hide from reality that is ultimately out of your control.  You still have to deal.

So, how do you deal?  Quite simply.  Read Psalm 62.  You will always find safety in Him.  It's where the rest comes in, because you know that you don't have to try to control a thing.  He has the best plan for you.  And craziest thing, He likes to take care of you.  He likes to work you though situations that suck.  You should try Him out once in awhile.  I guarantee those  "once in a whiles" will become "always" very soon.

"Pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge."  Yes.