No Dignity These Days..

My car has been handling itself with very little dignity the past few months.  Several times when I insert the key into the ignition and turn, the motor turns as well, but doesn't catch.  Exasperated, I stop trying to start it and stare at the red security light flashing on my dashboard.  This continues to flash for a solid 10 minutes while I sit in the car.  Depending on which location I will be ten minutes late to, I find myself fighting back either frustration, tears, anger, or annoyance.  Sometimes I do feel relief for having a valid excuse to relax for a bit in the midst of a tight schedule.  Most of the time, I'm reworking in my head the day's schedule and finding out more and more how much I plan so close to the minute.  Probably not the best habit..

This morning, I was getting into my car and asking the Lord to start it for me...I didn't want to be late to work.  It started, I breathed a thank You and began to back-up as a thought came to me.  It may sound slightly silly, but I thought, "My car is so unfaithful to me.  I never know if it is going to start or not and I can't trust it."  As I thought about it for a bit more, I realized that this may be one way that God looks at my faithfulness to Him.  If I'm not steady and faithful all the time, how is He supposed to know when I'm "going to work" or not.  How is He supposed to know that I will respond to a movement or a whisper from Him when  I've only responded sometimes in the past?  I have to be ready to go all the time so when He does decide it's time to go, I'm waiting and prepared. 

Self-Sufficient

Up until about a year ago, I used to always get an uneasy feeling whenever I thought about spending time with the Lord.  I knew that I loved Him and I had often felt His love in quiet times with Him.  So why was I always hesitating?  Last August, I finally addressed it in my journal. 

It was simply because I approached Him with fear.  Not the good kind that the Bible says to have.  It was the kind that whispered into my ear, "You're going to put this time aside for God, He's not going to show up and it's going to prove that everything you believe is false."  It was the lie that said, "You're not good enough and however you choose to fill the time is going to be the wrong thing.  God is not going to find it fulfilling and reject you by leaving you empty."  I listened to this lie so long that it became instinctual and this unknown monster attacked me every time I thought about spending time with Jesus.

When I got the revelation that I had been thinking like this, I asked the Lord to forgive me for believing the lie and to help me fight it...it was a losing battle on my end.  Because I called, He answered (and came to my rescue... :p).  He began to show me things.  He helped realize that  1. His grace is sufficient and 2.  His love is way bigger than what I thought.

You see, God is completely self-sufficient.  He doesn't need our love to make Him feel complete or to make Him happy.  We don't need to perform activities in a certain way or have the perfect agenda when we hang out with Him.  He is too full of love and too knowledgeable of our hearts and minds to expect perfection.  

 
It's beautiful...to rest in the knowledge that I just come before Him, lay it down and know that He is going to come in all-consuming grace and love.  He replaced the lie that I am not good enough and the doubt that crippled me with the Truth of His love for me.

"A broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." -Psalm 51:17  (He loooves it when I just come to Him!!)
"He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." -Zeph. 3:17