Imagine for me just a second [or a few minutes]. Even if you realize this is nothing how your morning goes, keep on imagining as if you are in the thick of it. It's OK, it's good for your brain to do this.
You just woke up. You pull yourself out of bed, fumble around for your towel and head toward to the bathroom, hoping you won't run into any walls that had somehow gotten bigger while you were sleeping. Turning the shower water on, you use the toilet and wait for the water to warm up. When you see just the edges of the mirror starting to fog up, you get into the shower. As you slowly go through the shampooing of your hair and washing your body with your raggedy luffa, the events of yesterday, the day before and the day ahead begin to trickle into the grooves of your brain. The insane dream of the dragon eating your sofa with your dog as a condiment that you had been trying to make sense of just moments earlier gets tossed to the side as reality sets in. The situation that you don't really want to deal with, the friend that made you want to rip a light fixture out of the ceiling because of a ridiculous disagreement, and the thing you stupidly agreed to do because you felt pressured all begin to make your stomach feel like an elephant had decided to have it's babies in it. After ten minutes, you get out of the shower, grab your towel and wrap it around your decidedly clean body.
Freeze. Keep on imagining with me but take a still shot of yourself right now. There you are. Naked underneath your towel, your skin red from the steam and uneven from your goosebumps that are starting to form. You hair hangs wet around you [boys, work with me] and you have large black circles underneath your eyes from the make-up you didn't wash off the night before. It's just you with that heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach, feeling decently ugly under your own standards.
Most people don't ever freeze there. They just keep going..get dried off, dressed, put on some make-up, struggle to come up with something cute and creative to do with their hair, grab some coffee on the way out the door and plow through the day, hoping that things will smooth themselves out somehow. Hoping that one of the baby elephants will die during the birthing process and lessen the load a bit.
But what happens when you do freeze. When you don't go. When the trendy clothes, the cute hairstyle, the delicious coffee, the best and understanding friend, the familiar church, the perfect hangout with the coolest people you know, the group that you get along with and that is moving in the same direction you are and the comfort of chocolate are gone. What happens when all the normal [and usually good] comforts of life are gone. What happens when all that you use to escape are no longer to to escape into? When you realize that your best efforts to control are not working?
Over the past several months, I've been occasionally waking up like this. A mess. I've also been finding this to be a problem at night, as well, but I won't force you to imagine anything else in this post. It seems there is a tie between the tender moments of when you are just waking up and the quiet moments in your bed that follow the preparation of having another weird dream in which that person whom you hadn't seen or thought of in years is holding your hairbrush hostage again.
I think the connection between the two times is that it is when you are most vulnerable. It's just you, your thoughts and the unsettling feeling that you are not safe. You are not safe from the difficult situations of life. You are not safe from everyday troubles and their is nothing you can do to close yourself off from them. You are not safe and no matter how many people you have in agreement around you or how much stuff you surround yourself with, you cannot hide from reality that is ultimately out of your control. You still have to deal.
So, how do you deal? Quite simply. Read Psalm 62. You will always find safety in Him. It's where the rest comes in, because you know that you don't have to try to control a thing. He has the best plan for you. And craziest thing, He likes to take care of you. He likes to work you though situations that suck. You should try Him out once in awhile. I guarantee those "once in a whiles" will become "always" very soon.
"Pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." Yes.
22 December 2010
11 December 2010
the "Bethel" problem
I was reading tonight in Jeremiah 48. It's talking about the horrific destruction of the City of Moab and how they provoked the Lord to anger because of the way they trusted in their deeds and riches, had become lazy, were worshipping other gods and were an overall disgusting fragrance to the LORD. In verse 13 it says, "Then Moab will be ashamed of Chemosh (a god they were currently serving), as the house of Israel was ashamed when they trusted in Bethel."
I was like, wait, I thought Bethel was a sweet awesome place that Jacob wrested with God at and that David ran to find refuge in. And doesn't it mean "house of God??" Why was the house of Israel ashamed when they trusted in Bethel?
So, after looking around, I ended up in Amos. In Amos 5 [actually, in all of Amos], the LORD is calling the nation of Israel to turn their hearts to Him and repent. He says, "Seek me and live; do not seek Bethel, do not go to Gilgal, do not journey to Beersheba." It's as if He is insinuating that Israel thought that, maybe if they went to the places where God was known to have dwelt, they would be safe.
We do this. Often times I think we go to church simply to feel safe. We aren't really seeking the Lord out in our own homes on our own time, thinking that by going to church, we will get our fill for the week. We feel safe in this idea because we are surrounded by a.) people doing the exact same thing as we are b.) "holy" people who will bring the presence of God for the rest of type a people. We are relying on our "Bethel" to save us, not the on-going and growing relationship God requires.
Another "Bethel" problem is going from one place to the next, thinking we will find something that will stimulate our relationship with the Lord. Like, if we go to this internship or this church or this college, we will grow so much deeper in our personal relationship with Him. If we are around this "holy" person or in this certain spiritual environment, they will rub off on us in a dramatic, life-changing way. We think that we will be safe because we placed ourselves under their teaching.
I'm definitely not trying to insinuate that Bible colleges, churches, and teaching is bad. Definitely not. It is mostly true that a "Bethel" is an amazing tool to use to further your relationship with the Lord. But what I am definitely trying to say [and what I feel the Lord is saying] is that a place is not going to make us safe. Our comfort in going somewhere and being apart of something can only rest in the knowing that it is where He told us to go when we sought Him out here, in this time, in our own closet.
It's all about you and God, folks. There is no organization, no church, no holy place that you can go to and be saved, solely because of it's reputation. Safety in God can only come in seeking Him first and then going to "Bethel" because it adds to the solid foundation you have built with Him in the secret place.
Man, it can be so easy to for me to rely on people for my safety. Arg.
I was like, wait, I thought Bethel was a sweet awesome place that Jacob wrested with God at and that David ran to find refuge in. And doesn't it mean "house of God??" Why was the house of Israel ashamed when they trusted in Bethel?
So, after looking around, I ended up in Amos. In Amos 5 [actually, in all of Amos], the LORD is calling the nation of Israel to turn their hearts to Him and repent. He says, "Seek me and live; do not seek Bethel, do not go to Gilgal, do not journey to Beersheba." It's as if He is insinuating that Israel thought that, maybe if they went to the places where God was known to have dwelt, they would be safe.
We do this. Often times I think we go to church simply to feel safe. We aren't really seeking the Lord out in our own homes on our own time, thinking that by going to church, we will get our fill for the week. We feel safe in this idea because we are surrounded by a.) people doing the exact same thing as we are b.) "holy" people who will bring the presence of God for the rest of type a people. We are relying on our "Bethel" to save us, not the on-going and growing relationship God requires.
Another "Bethel" problem is going from one place to the next, thinking we will find something that will stimulate our relationship with the Lord. Like, if we go to this internship or this church or this college, we will grow so much deeper in our personal relationship with Him. If we are around this "holy" person or in this certain spiritual environment, they will rub off on us in a dramatic, life-changing way. We think that we will be safe because we placed ourselves under their teaching.
I'm definitely not trying to insinuate that Bible colleges, churches, and teaching is bad. Definitely not. It is mostly true that a "Bethel" is an amazing tool to use to further your relationship with the Lord. But what I am definitely trying to say [and what I feel the Lord is saying] is that a place is not going to make us safe. Our comfort in going somewhere and being apart of something can only rest in the knowing that it is where He told us to go when we sought Him out here, in this time, in our own closet.
It's all about you and God, folks. There is no organization, no church, no holy place that you can go to and be saved, solely because of it's reputation. Safety in God can only come in seeking Him first and then going to "Bethel" because it adds to the solid foundation you have built with Him in the secret place.
Man, it can be so easy to for me to rely on people for my safety. Arg.
09 December 2010
Knowing This Pearl
As a person who is fairly joyful and finds hilarity out of the smallest of things, I find it most difficult starting off my first blog with the most truthful phrase "Today was a rough day." I would prefer people not to read, groan, stop reading and go to the next site, never to return for the fear of having to read sob stories after sob stories.
However, because I am an honest person who is horrible at lying (yet wonderful at being dramatic), I will start off my blog the way it must.
Today was a rough day. Struggling with the unknown future is a hard struggle. Struggling with my future, having no coffee beans in the house, running out of [good] coffee grounds at work, once again being locked out of my office, shattering a coffee mug that was bought from a tourist store eight hours away that I had never been to, trying [and mostly failing] to set up a semi-cool looking blog [xanga is not at its prime anymore] and having to step back in humility from a position I am used to having, all happening before 1:00pm leads to one big cry-fest for me.
While I do not particularly enjoy such chains of events, I do love one thing about them. They leave me at the end of myself and I am absolutely forced to go crawl in my Daddy's lap. So, I did. And, crazily [not so crazily if you go there a lot], He wrapped me up in some of His peace and grace and told me to look upon Him, to gaze upon His character for awhile. So, I slowly whipped out my Bible and turned to the parable that had "randomly" dropped into my head earlier in the day: the man and the pearl of great price.
In Matthew 13, there is a man in the fields. I figure he must either be a farmer, a gardener or a "crazy" wandering around and digging about in the dirt. I like to think he is the crazy man because I identity with that one the best. Anyways, this man stumbles upon this rare pearl that was of monstrous price. It was worth some much that the man hid it, joyfully stumbled back to his home, sold everything and went to go buy the entire field.
Two interesting quick facts: 1.The fact that he hid it again and didn't just take it like most people affirms my theory of him being crazy. 2.A pearl is the size of a small marble. The fact that he bought the entire field, not just the small parcel it was hidden in, is significant of how much value the pearl had.
When I first read through this, I wondered, why did he hid it? Why didn't he just take it [my crazy theory is sufficient only to my shallow entertainment]? Why? Well. He hid it again, deep down in the soil, because he wanted to protect it from a thief who could pick-pocket it right out of him. He wanted to be the only one who ever had the chance of laying eyes on it. He was selling everything for it: his computer, his tv, his space heater, his leather couch and feather bed. He was even getting ready to drop his 401K plan and disappoint his parents. There was no chance that he was going to let that puppy get away from him. But why? Why go through all of that trouble for the sake of something the size of a marble? Because he understood. He understood the value it, the great price, the unimaginable wealth that the pearl would bring him later on.
Earlier in the chapter, Jesus said that those who hear and see Him but don't understand will have their beliefs and "convictions" snatched right out of their hearts. These people are those who carried away the pearl, loosely handled it and didn't bury it deep.
Though it doesn't say he did, I'm sure the man went back to the field often, making sure the pearl was still there, making sure he wasn't hallucinating. When your in the moment, selling your refrigerator full of iced tea, ham and muenster cheese for something far off in a field can be a difficult experience. That's why it's so important to know, to understand the great price of the Pearl. To keep on going back, always seeking it out, always returning for the grace of knowing how precious and magnificent it is.
Forgive me for the very looong, first post. I think I did pretty well considering I feel that I could preach a whole sermon on this subject. I am hoping that my following posts will be a little more easy on the eyes. Either way, the comfort of your eyes will not even begin to stop me as I begin this worldly-absurd, slightly terrifying and highly adventurous journey of leaving it all behind for the Pearl of great price..
However, because I am an honest person who is horrible at lying (yet wonderful at being dramatic), I will start off my blog the way it must.
Today was a rough day. Struggling with the unknown future is a hard struggle. Struggling with my future, having no coffee beans in the house, running out of [good] coffee grounds at work, once again being locked out of my office, shattering a coffee mug that was bought from a tourist store eight hours away that I had never been to, trying [and mostly failing] to set up a semi-cool looking blog [xanga is not at its prime anymore] and having to step back in humility from a position I am used to having, all happening before 1:00pm leads to one big cry-fest for me.
While I do not particularly enjoy such chains of events, I do love one thing about them. They leave me at the end of myself and I am absolutely forced to go crawl in my Daddy's lap. So, I did. And, crazily [not so crazily if you go there a lot], He wrapped me up in some of His peace and grace and told me to look upon Him, to gaze upon His character for awhile. So, I slowly whipped out my Bible and turned to the parable that had "randomly" dropped into my head earlier in the day: the man and the pearl of great price.
In Matthew 13, there is a man in the fields. I figure he must either be a farmer, a gardener or a "crazy" wandering around and digging about in the dirt. I like to think he is the crazy man because I identity with that one the best. Anyways, this man stumbles upon this rare pearl that was of monstrous price. It was worth some much that the man hid it, joyfully stumbled back to his home, sold everything and went to go buy the entire field.
Two interesting quick facts: 1.The fact that he hid it again and didn't just take it like most people affirms my theory of him being crazy. 2.A pearl is the size of a small marble. The fact that he bought the entire field, not just the small parcel it was hidden in, is significant of how much value the pearl had.
When I first read through this, I wondered, why did he hid it? Why didn't he just take it [my crazy theory is sufficient only to my shallow entertainment]? Why? Well. He hid it again, deep down in the soil, because he wanted to protect it from a thief who could pick-pocket it right out of him. He wanted to be the only one who ever had the chance of laying eyes on it. He was selling everything for it: his computer, his tv, his space heater, his leather couch and feather bed. He was even getting ready to drop his 401K plan and disappoint his parents. There was no chance that he was going to let that puppy get away from him. But why? Why go through all of that trouble for the sake of something the size of a marble? Because he understood. He understood the value it, the great price, the unimaginable wealth that the pearl would bring him later on.
Earlier in the chapter, Jesus said that those who hear and see Him but don't understand will have their beliefs and "convictions" snatched right out of their hearts. These people are those who carried away the pearl, loosely handled it and didn't bury it deep.
Though it doesn't say he did, I'm sure the man went back to the field often, making sure the pearl was still there, making sure he wasn't hallucinating. When your in the moment, selling your refrigerator full of iced tea, ham and muenster cheese for something far off in a field can be a difficult experience. That's why it's so important to know, to understand the great price of the Pearl. To keep on going back, always seeking it out, always returning for the grace of knowing how precious and magnificent it is.
Forgive me for the very looong, first post. I think I did pretty well considering I feel that I could preach a whole sermon on this subject. I am hoping that my following posts will be a little more easy on the eyes. Either way, the comfort of your eyes will not even begin to stop me as I begin this worldly-absurd, slightly terrifying and highly adventurous journey of leaving it all behind for the Pearl of great price..
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